“You do nothing for us.  All of our friends make us feel good, but you don’t.  All of our other relationships are good - you are the only problem we have.”  As these words and others made their way to my ears then brain and heart, the room suddenly stood still as I felt my world starting to spin out of control.  I instinctively told myself again, “I’ll just try harder.”  However, somehow I knew this time was different.  My heart heard a different voice start to speak and soothe.  Unfortunately, the pain took over that night and the full message would have to wait. 

 

Not long after this night, I had a dream that was one of the most significantly real and powerful I’ve ever experienced.  The dream started with me sitting at the end of a very long table full of family and friends.  There was one person sitting next to me at the end. My husband was at the table, my best friend and many other special relationships throughout my life.  We were all enjoying a meal together.  Suddenly, the person sitting next to me asked me a question.

 

The table started to get quiet as they looked to me, and my response.  I smiled back at the person and said, “I’m sorry what did you say?”  They repeated the question.  I again responded with confusion, “I’m sorry, can you say that again?”  The people at the table suddenly looked at me with concern.  I looked at my best friend, and she said, “Are you serious? Can you not hear the question?”  I was very serious, as well as the atmosphere in the room.  I looked the person next to me directly in the eyes, and said, “I’m sorry, just one more time, ask the question again.”

 

This time I heard the question not only with my ears, but deep within my soul.  The question was, “Who do you serve?”  I can hardly describe the emotions that went through me at that moment.  They were so real and vivid for a dream.  The real question being asked was “Are you going to serve me?”  My entire disposition changed.  I immediately stood up and put my hand around the throat of the person, and said with much feeling, “I serve Jesus Christ!”

 

After the words left my mouth, I looked around the table, and caught eyes with my good friend.  She looked at me with a look of understanding that said, “You need to let go now.”   I released my hand from the throat of the individual, and started to walk away from the table.  I felt an intense feeling of peace as I walked away and heard the Lord say, “Just keep walking.  You have nothing left to lose and everything to gain.”  A couple chased after me, and yelled out how wrong I was to say what I did.  I kept walking, shaken up, but with a tremendous peace.  Then I awoke.

 

Peace isn’t exactly what I first experienced when I awoke to the reality of the situation I was facing.  Through the next several days I asked God to show me what He wanted me to see through the dream and situations that had presented themselves.

 

I believe that serving others is one of the best things we can do.  However, the dream showed me that there were people in my life that demanded my service and praise.  I realized that most of my time and emotional energy was exerted toward trying to appease them.  I never fully pleased them, just satisfied them temporarily and was constantly worried about disappointing and losing my temporary approval.

 

No matter what I did, it never seemed to be enough. What I  later realized was that the things being demanded from me were not reciprocated.  I spent so much time trying to do what I could to please, that I didn’t even realize the one-sided nature of these relationships. Looking back, it seemed that I had to earn or pay for relationship with them. Then, maybe one day I would please them enough for them start engaging in a two-sided relationship that involved more than simply critiquing or tolerating me.

 

The majority of my time was spent worrying about these relationships.  Therefore, God, my husband and children were not being prioritized.  I had neglected them with my heart and emotional energy.  This realization brought much regret and fear. I knew if I stopped trying to do what others wanted, it could get ugly.  I asked God for an answer.  What I heard was “Follow My principles and trust Me.”  Notice He didn’t say it wouldn’t get ugly.  He said to “trust Him and He would take care of the rest.”  I started saying no out of love, instead of yes out of fear.  I wondered how better to honor other Christians than to apply the Biblical principles of priority.  If only everyone saw it that way:)

 

After my dream, I started reading “The Shack”.  Towards the end of the book it talked about how he had to let go of the throat of the person who had caused pain.  He described this as a symbolic act of forgiveness.  I wept when I read it, and understood completely.

 

Galatians 5 talks about trying to appease others by following their “Law.” However God has called us to live by His Spirit. Paul sums it up by saying, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” When we do this, our focus is off what others are doing for us, and on what God is calling us to do, out of His Spirit. Fear and worry are not the motivators, but God’s love is.

 

I spent so much time earlier trying to fix the problems, and the problems only seemed to get worse.  The only thing I had never fully done was give everything to God completely.  Jesus gave His life for me, to save me from myself, and my imperfections.  I had to realize His character was not to demand my praise and service, but to gently ask for my heart.  When He has my heart, I automatically want to praise and serve Him.  The Lord has my heart because I trust Him and His gentle way of showing me His truth.  Why wouldn’t I serve someone like that?

 

Jesus Christ is who I serve.