Do you ever feel that you finally get through a major obstacle in life only to be met with the next unexpected challenge? You feel like you never fully get a chance to catch your breath?

I did get the opportunity to rest recently, just not in the way I would have liked. Not only have I not written in quite a while, I haven’t participated in many of my “normal” activities in the past few months.

Last year was an amazing year, full of unexpected prayers being answered. I was ready to celebrate my joyful drama free life from here on, with maybe just a few little bumps every once in awhile. However, that’s not quite the way things turned out.

The events of the last year were an exciting, yet exhausting emotional whirlwind. Through it all, I kept moving forward, regardless of how I felt physically or even emotionally. I wanted to be courageous and strong, even when I felt the complete opposite. Finally, my body literally started to shut down. I started having physical symptoms that I couldn’t control or fix. I was immediately frustrated, asking God why? Why now?

Why God, after all You have accomplished last year would you not let me enjoy this time of peace and happiness?

I truly believe God allows everything to happen for a specific purpose. So, after continually asking Him why He was allowing the circumstances of my health to shut down my normal activities and goals, here is what I believe He showed me.

First, He didn’t explain why He did anything. He did something better. He allowed me to see a better picture of myself. My question changed into, ‘God what do you want me to learn from this new situation?”

Even though I ultimately trust God for the big stuff, I don’t rely on Him in many of the smaller details of life. I somehow started to believe that God had done so much for me that He needed me to suck it up and get er done. Isn’t that exactly how you would expect God to talk? I think it’s easy to start to rely on other Christians more than God. We start to believe that if we just go to church and read our self -help books then God can take a rest from all of our problems.

Sometimes I feel there is a subtle message in the Christian culture that looks down on other Christians who show their weakness. It’s seems like it’s alright to be weak before you receive Christ, but afterwards you should be totally transformed and showing weakness just means your not “holy” enough. Your not a strong Christian. You must not be reading your Bible enough. I’ve even heard the extremes of “maybe God is trying to teach you a lesson by making you sick.”

What I realize now is that I simply wasn’t relying on Him for my everyday strength. When my body shut down and I began losing the control, I once thought I had, it wasn’t pretty. My lack of control brought out an ugliness that even I didn’t recognize. I became so focused on the cleanliness of my house and other unimportant details as some way to regain the control I thought I was losing in being sick. I lost the ability to do so much of what I thought made me who I was.

The funny thing is, I never had any control. It was all an illusion. He has given me a free will to make choices, but the issues that really matter are always in His hands.

He reminded me that I am His first. I am His before I am a wife and mother, daughter, sister, friend. I am His before I am a neighbor, decorator, cook or writer. If  I don’t rely on Him to give me what I need, then I’m not showing others God. I am making it about me. An often, run down and cranky me. When we pretend to have it all together as Christians, we aren’t doing God or anyone else any favors.

I don’t believe God struck me with sickness to teach me a lesson. I believe He gave me an opportunity to view things in a way I wouldn’t ordinarily have seen  until I finally realized I was “out of control.” I couldn’t control the effects of not letting Him help me with everything, big and small. I believe the severity of effects from my sickness were a combination of my choices to not slow down, get help from doctors earlier and depend on Him fully for my daily strength.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor. 12:9-10

Many people can probably go longer than I did, before feeling the shut down of their bodies. Many may be even more sensitive than I am. The point is, we need God everyday, not just when we really NEED Him. We can put on a “holy” face and show everyone how strong we are, until we’re not, or we can be honest that we need Him every second to give us what we need to serve Him and others. Putting our energy towards good things can drain us just as fast as anything else, when He isn’t the one to fill up our tank.

As far as the belief that I deserved a break after the difficulties of the past, my thoughts on that have changed as well. The truth is..Life is Hard. The End.

Thankfully, though, we have a Savior to get us through with grace if we let Him. I honestly don’t know how people do it without Him. The book “Crazy Love” really hit home for me on this topic. Here are a few favorite quotes:

"It is true that God may have called you to be exactly where you are. But, it is absolutely vital to grasp that he didn’t call you there so you could settle in and live your life in comfort and superficial peace."

"If life were stable, I'd never need God's help."

The great news is, I’m feeling much better and ready to grow through the next challenge with His strength.

Are you?

Peace and Love,

Julie